I have a dream, a song to sing (westlife ft serina - I have a dream~ the ost of this post)
Seeing the rooftop,
The darker night,
The shiny stars,
The nice weather,
The hamparan alas dan bantal,
With
The one who can stay silent with me at the moment,
The one who can enjoy the scene,
The one who can make time flies fast but in a gold precious moment,
The one who can hold me in silent
The one who can hug me with all my insecurities and my dark side
With the oppurtunities given..
We'll create the moment,
We'll stay till the sun gaze
We'll have the time to give and take
We'll have each other thru thick and thin
We'll hold together, comes the obstacle..
As long we have the same faith..
Hold me till jannah, will you...?
No matter whi you are to me, and who am I to you...
Hold me, dont let go, and let support each other coz,
A loner will easily broke than the merrier...
Saya
doakan semoga awak dan saya sentiasa dalam rahmat Allah... dan juga doa saya
yang satu, semoga awak dan saya sentiasa istiqomah walau dalam apa jua, as long
we did it for redho's Allah Azzawajalla... Amin....
Dan,
terasa dah lama tak jenguk my ranting, chanting and writing site, ey…! Dan dah
rasa sangat berhabuk dengan sawang-sawang dan juga segala semak samun yang
teruk menjalar, bukan hanya di dinding blog, tapi juga hati dan tuan tanah juga…
Haaa…! This was one big hell teruk post yang I think the real one contengan of
mine.
Lately,
I’ve been in some sort of deep thinking (blergggghhh) and I’ve come to some
conclusion… and recently, the moods were
swings like hell, like crazy waves on the oceans *ceewwaaahhh…!
For sometimes,
I’ve been talking to myself, BIG times to reflect on my acts, on my deeds, on
my relationship thru people, or me myself. Considering the situations, I need to
jot down everytime I feel down just to reflect on me…
-today-
Fefeeling balik appointment gg like-- musim luruh in the air...
Cun seyh tgk dedaun kuning dok gugur menyentuh bumi..
Tapi x lama.. Sebab org MPKB mai sapu...
Xpela.. Xleh nk berangan lelama
Biar sedar sikit, kaki yang tegak berdiri tu, x lama pun pada
satu tempat...
U need to move to let other experienced it...
If
they feel so…
-a
lil bit later-
Marah
hanya satu perasaan,
the
way you handle it is the way to reveal who you really are.
One
famous saying did says that ‘put yourself in someone shoes’
How
can you do it to make others clear if you did not show how your shoes was..
I’ve
been thinking that kalua tunjuk keadaan kasut, and yet she does not want to
understand, so, how was it..?
-yesterday-
[it just...]
hidup ni, kita akan hadap macam2 perangai orang..
tak tengok jauh....
diri sendiri pun dah banyak ragam,
dan tak semua akan suka dengan kita...
dan hidup ini, bukan menongkat langit
dan bukan juga berpasak bumi dengan tetap tanpa goyah
-few
days back-
we do the reflections to ourselves..
either we faced it or other's experienced
otherwise, it is an advices or judgements.. try hard not to judge, especially in kaca-mata
negatif..
try hard, harder and even harder..
we need His Guide to do the 'filter' part...
-believes-
[today's capsule]
Kebaikan itu bukan
dari kesempurnaan, bukan dari mereka yang sempurna. Kebaikan itu sendiri
hakikatnya datang dari kesilapan, dari mereka yang pernah buat kesilapan.
[elvroseth: retold
lll]
Biarkan masa depan itu datang dengan sendirinya dan
jangan terlalu cemas dengan hari esok. Sekiranya anda melakukan yang terbaik
pada hari ini, pastikan hari esok yang terbaik juga- Dr Aidh Abdullah Al-Qarni
[jangan pertikai ikhlasnya seseorang andai nilai ikhlas itu
sendiri tak kau hayati...
aku lah tu...!]
I need not any
reality shows to make me laugh...
I need not any sad song or stories to cry over...
I need not any sort of unnecessary relationship to have commitments...
Just being me is
enough.. And also, having you as my friends and families is
completing me as a 'me'..
Thank you, and may Allah bless we all..
And
Thanks to Him, who make our path crosses and we met beautifully in His
guidances and fate..
Stay strong no
matter what happen...
[today's reminder]
[+] Sebenarnya, awak solat selama hari ini lebih kepada kasih
kepada tuhan atau rasa tangggungjawab atau dah adat pada diri?
[-] ....
[+] Solat itu tiang agama. Tapi, orang yang tidak
ikhlas dalam solat itu umpama pakai tiang plastik je. Tak kukuh nak tampung
amalan yang entah baiknya banyak atau buruknya yang lebih.
::elvroseth::
I've learnt this new term:
Eccedentesiast -
people who hide pain behind a smile
-hari-hari lalu-
Seorang sahabat menegur dengan nada rendah,
"Ubat terbaik bila terasa down, terasa kosong, rasa macam
stress tapi tak tau stress pasal apa, sebenarnya kita perlu sujud lama2. Tu,
insyallah ubat terbaik."
Nasihat atas nasihat yang diquote drpd ustazah penceramah,
dituturkan dengan nada lembut, tapi saat ini, zapppp. Menusuk qalbu..
Allahu...
[today's capsule]
Kebaikan itu bukan
dari kesempurnaan, bukan dari mereka yang sempurna. Kebaikan itu sendiri
hakikatnya datang dari kesilapan, dari mereka yang pernah buat kesilapan.
[elvroseth: retold
lll]
"Kenapa menipu ?"
"Sebab tidak semua orang boleh menerima realiti"
~Elvroseth : Philophobia
::some part of the reality without realize the
consequences..
todays's capsule:
“You can close your
eyes to the things you don’t want to see but you can’t close your heart to the
things you don’t want to feel.”
"Experience is never limited, and it is never
complete; it is an immense sensibility, a kind of huge spider web of the finest
silken threads suspended in the chamber of consciousness, and catching every
air-borne particle in its tissue"
~~Henry James 1843-1916
-old
times-
sedarkah kita bahawa kita sebenarnya
hidup disebabkan doa orang lain...? kalau dikenang2 kan kembali, antaranya: -doa ibubapa terhadap anak2 mereka -setiap ucapan
hari lahir yang terluah -bila tiba musim exam -saat ditimpa musibah -permulaan episod baru hidup -even time orang bagi salam >>assalamualaikum
(salam sejahtera keatasmu) :: mungkin selama ini, doa2 itu yang Allah SWT
tunaikan terlebih dahulu selain daripada doa kita sendiri... so... terima kasih kepada yang sering mendoakan saya...
Moga Allah SWT sentiasa merahmatimu dan redhaNya sentiasa mengiringimu, duhai
saudaraku, sahabat, teman dan taulan...
Assalamualaikum dan hi… Semoga
sentiasa dalam lindungan rahmat Yang Esa hendaknya.. Juga semoga Allah ease
everything come hell or high water thru this journey of life... Dan
sesungguhnya segala pengharapan, kebergantungan dan juga rasa yang kita ada,
sedang hadapi ini dan juga kelangsungan masa depan hanya untuk Allah Azzwajalla
semata... And I really hope for that.. Sebab kita hanya insan yang lemah, yang
sering lupa dan lalai dengan urusan kehidupan yang hanya ujian semata...
This just a random post, maybe,
just to wish me for my anniversary..
Alhamdulilllah for these breaths,
for this life, for this love, for this sweetness, for this struggle and all
together that make me as a ME through these day, back and onwards. Dengan harapan
yang saya yang baru ini, punya semangat yang makin kental untuk terus perbaiki
diri dan tetap istiqomah dalam setiap perubahan.
[thanks to QuranicQuotes.com]
I’ve been reading some random
short stories on my favorite author’s blog last night. And it did ring me a
bell on my current condition, situation and relation. Aduhai.. Saat baca short
story tu, berderu-deru air mata turun. Yeah, at some points, being an author
can touched someone hearts. Just through your writing, you can gain some deeds
for your akhirah. And I always hope that my writings also can give some 'lights' to other... Reality. I’ve been triggered ‘that light’ by some other authors.
Always. And I always hope so, for my writing. Sekalipun tak ada yang mampu
trigger ‘that light’ through their inner self, at least, bila saya baca balik
apa yang saya conteng, mampu buatkan saya terfikir balik.. Apa, kenapa dan
semua persoalan yang kembali timbul.
Berbalik kepada post by
Elvroseth. True, that story, at least trigger some of my conscious of being at
this level. And how she can relate the story with seerah… How to make it as
interesting, like a novel for a person like me, to understand something with a
soul. Lively. Meaningfully. And the storyline was, amazingly, want to make me
to re-read the surah and their meaning. For a better understanding, for a
better picture. Yes, there will be a switch to turn on everything. And she did
make me wonder through her storyline:
What have my study did contribute
to ummah.
What have I done that can relate
to islam.
What can I explain when others
ask about my religion. Is it just enough with the knowledge that is so little
in me.
Ya Allah… Rasa itu, macam
menampar kuat deria sedar dan menerajang halus lubuk hati dengan comfort zone
yang sememangnya melalaikan kita. Allah..!
Allah, sungguh… kenyataan ini perit untuk di
telan sorang-sorang tanpa ada yang sedarkan. Disebabkan kita berada dalam zon
selesa, susah untuk kita sedar sebenarnya ego kita dah tinggi melangit. Yang
sampai tahap, orang sekeliling tak suka atau mungkin sampai tahap benci untuk
tatap wajah kita, dengar suara kita bahkan bila dengar nama kita. Allah,
perasaan itu, sakit sangat. Dan selepas baca that short stories, yang
seriously rasa tertampar, dan berganda-ganda rasa sakit tamparan tu dengan other statement direct to my ears. Oh Allah...! I never known that kalau terlebih memberi perhatian
kepada sesuatu, rupanya, ia adalah membebankan. Allah..! rasa perit berganda
bila niat kita disalah tafsirkan. Allah, sakit sungguh. Akhir kata, I’ve been repeating this
part of Photograph, Ed Shereen to soothe me for the direct lines. And if you hurt meThat's ok baby, only words bleedInside these pages you just hold meAnd I won't ever let you go..Wait
for me to come home~~~ And I always love you no matter
what..! And lastly, my bad, my really bad
things is timing. I don’t know how to manage my own timing in explaining things.
My act to wait for explaining things always turn me to a really bad situation. Never
thought it will turn so bad.. So, for a future me, I really hope for a better
timing in resolving my own circumstances.
Hope to be blessed by Him for past, present and future... Insyallah..
~~~
I touched my eyes, its blink
I reach my heart, its beat
I smell the scent, it is diverse
I draw my mind, it go wild.
What did I do
Where will I go
Who will be with me
Through this long journey
Befriend me the best
For me to not got to different paths
Tired on this road
Yet surrounds did not know me
Despite try to understand me
One never been in my shoes.
Tired on this road
As the one of high expectation
As high level like others thought
As the one that used to live
I've ruined the rainbow
I touched my eyes and its raining
I reached my heart and its bleed
I smell the scent and its ever nice
I draw my mind and its beyond control.
p/s: this pieces was due to the uncontrollably of the adrenaline rush from Velvet di Durham by Aishah Madidy... such a good novel that drew back my interest in literature... Its been long time since I am into poetry... I miss the moment to relate everything. I miss the moment to draw the imagination through words. I miss the moment to imagine the scenes. Line by line. Words by words. poured everything.
And through this good, I've found this.
"credo ergo posum"
~I believe, therefore I can~
and my expectation on my own piece instead of the 'running' thesis was like reaching the end of the ocean with a chain on the beach... hard to achieve for this moment. Just wait for the right time, to let out the right things to the right medium with the right, fresh idea..
I dont have the exact words to 'map' of my current situation... but all the titles of these following songs are much more like my current scenes. After all of these.. I've lost my vocab, my way to pronounce, my way of spelling and my way to pour. It just make me stressed more and more. Yet I dont know how to put it simple, make it a better way of communication, interaction.
I thought everything will be okay, when we decide to put a fullstop mark.
Apparently, you just give me a 'pause' button.
Because it turned that, when you say 'nothing at all', the world of me turn upside down.
The waves crushing the beach like hell, the storm just crashes everything without any empathy at all. Destroy all my hopes after the fullstop marks.
And also, I thought when I am giving you some time to think,
I mean, we both are thinking of a better way to find a better solution to be at a better place, to begin again.
To start anew, to make the big move,
to please every single corner that we will occupied with..
But it just the wrecking ball for destroying my view
And again, I think, from the heart, I need to be much more transparent about my intentions.
To let you see me through.
To read me as much as you want.
After all the scenes that we've made last few days,
And I think, I will fight for my level up to my limit.
I'll fight for my own, myself
And last, I'll take this, but dont expect me to stay behave like before on your decision much longer..
Semoga sentiasa dalam lindungan rahmat dan perlindunganNya selalu.. amin... Am continuing the last entry about my journey of study. Mungkin kalau dikiria, ini hanya sedikit sahaja ujian saya, berbanding dengan candidates lain. Tapi, I just want to share the power of du'a. Dont ever ever underestimate our du'a. Dont underestimate what we have done in our life. everything comes with the bright side. just wait for it to come...
“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal
diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu
keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut
kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”
Nampak tak disitu..? Dan Allah
sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan. Zapp, rasa reflection
masa bertenang tadi, memang terang, nyata terjawab, ada termaktub dalam surat
cintaNya. Memang tepat kena hidung. Bila masa tu, rasa down, yang rasa macam
semua kerja sia-sia tanpa ada benefit pun, tapi ditegur direct. Insaf. Malu dengan
diri sendiri. Kita yang sebagai hamba seolah-olah mempertikai aturanNya. Aturan
DIA untuk menguatkan kita dengan ujian, untuk terus percaya dengan kemampuan
yang DIA anugerahkan.
A short moment later, I just realized some messages from my supervisor to
meet with my second supervisor at specific time mentioned. It is less than 15
minutes approaching the mentioned time. Rushing to my second supervisor’s
office, she asked me what was all those things about, so sudden to add on some
application through out the period in order to completing my studies. After a
short ‘blabbering’, she managed to find a way for me. Focus on application and
I am done with my studies. And, she said, she’ll fight along with me to
complete this journey. And that’s make me feel really really sooth. Terasa lighten
up. Terlepas segala beban. Alhamdulillah...
Among all those ‘blabbering’ that pass through my ears, some of her points
make me realize something.
“Kenapa dari dulu lagi awak tak datang jumpa saya? Kan dari dulu lagi saya
kata saya akan tolong awak in every terms. Tapi awak tak nak. Allah bagi
peluang untuk saya tolong awak ni, untuk awak cepat-cepat habis study.”
To reflect with, pertolongan Allah tu, dah lama ada. Sejak dari dulu lagi. Tapi
kita sendiri tak sedar benda tu. Saya sendiri takut untuk terus melangkah
kearah pertolongan itu. Sedikit sebanyak, saya takut dengan persepsi. Tapi dengan
keadaan ‘takut dengan persepsi’ tu yang menyebabkan kita tidak nampak jalan
yang terbentang, terhalang, terhijab. Dan orang yang nak tolong kita pun,
takkan mampu untuk terus memberi pertolongan.
Saya sedar benda tu, bila semua ni terjadi. Yes, the power of du’a, yang
ada masanya kita ragui, ada masanya, kita meletakkan pengharapan padaNya,
melebihi tahap infniti. Dan juga, ‘Dan Allah
sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan (al-Baqarah:74).’
Let the Du’a talk.
Open up our ‘closet’ to let HIM reach us.
Let HIS help can reach us, the way it is.
Just believe in HIM. HE never failed to reach us.
And today, I got new ambition:
I want to be the butterfly to cheer up people life.
Wish me...
Thanks for spending your precious time to read it..
Semoga ada manfaat dari perkongsian ini yang boleh jadi bekal untuk saya di akhirat nanti.
Semoga kita
semua sentiasa berada dalam rahmat Allah Azzawajalla. Moga dipermudahkan juga segala
urusan kita selagimana ianya selari dengan kehendak syariatNya, juga diperlembutkan
hati mereka-mereka yang bakal berurusan dengan kita samada secara direct
ataupun indirect. Sesunguhnya kesan hadirnya insan-insan yan berurusan dengan
kita ini, sedikit sebanyak memberi impak dalam kehidupan. Samada kita sedar
atau tidak, ianya tetap terkesan... Semoga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita
tanpa tergelincir dari panduanNya. Amin, amin Ya Robbal ‘Alamin.
Just a
short note, before starting this entry. This writing will be more on ‘rojak
words’ of malay, english as well as the ‘bahasa pasar’ as in short term of some
words. Might be displeasure for certain things, but it is the platform for me
to share. *Because I don’t really know how to make a santai reading, yet to
make easier for me to pour everything. And this gonna be long.
Last week, a friend of mine just move in to the house. She just finished
her viva vocee with minor correction.
Alhamdulillah for that. Few days after, she stepped on my room and had a small
chit chat about our survival in finishing this level of study. Which make her
leave me with a stunned in my heart. Yap, on these past few weeks was something
to me and she did make me reflecting on those words. What was it..?
“Wani, aku minta doa je. Aku doa supaya Allah mudahkan urusan belajar aku. Aku
doa supaya Allah tunjukkan jalan untuk aku habis dengan cepat. Spesifik dengan
doa yang nak mintak tu. Mungkin mu dah biasa dengar orang cakap, everything,
kita kena minta dengan Allah, tapi ni, aku nak repeat balik. Doa la banyak. Aku
ni, keep repeating doa yang sama tak tahu berapa juta kali dah. Sampai satu tahap,
aku nangis.”
Tu, part of apa yang dia bagitau. Tapi inputnya, I did gather here and
there to make a solid picture of interpretation of my own. Betul seperti apa yang
dia katakan. I keep listened to the same advices for countless time. Tapi apa
yang saya nak highlightkan kat sini, kalau hati kita masa tu, tak terbuka pun
untuk dengar nasihat tu, ibarat mencurah air ke daun keladi. Tapi perumpamaan
tu, saya nak ubah dalam kamus hidup saya. Secara positifnya curah air ke daun
keladi memang takkan ada effect, tapi at the same time, air tu jugaklah yang
menyuburkan keladi tu untuk terus hidup.
Mungkin akan ada yang terfikir “Whatever...” but, if you do the reflection,
some trivial things can change the way of your thinking. Try to do the
reflection and see the results.
Kembali kepada keadaan tadi. After she did leave me, saya termenung. Sebeb sebelum
tu pun, saya ada consult seorang sahabat tentang masalah hati. Dan ianya selari
dengan nasihat sahabat yang satu tu. Dan bila dicantumkan kembali, semuanya
bermula dengan diri sendiri. Betulkan diri sendiri, do the reflection dan keep
on making du’a. Sebab apa? Sebab hati kita, Allah yang pegang. Minta sungguh-sungguh
dengan DIA untuk mudahkan perjalanan
kita menujuNya dan minta juga supaya DIA kekalkan hati kita dalam genggamanNya
dan jangan biarkan DIA bolak-balikkan hati kita ni.
That sahabat was tagging me this track on my Facebook. At some point, this song did touched me in some part in, order to sooth me.. Jazakallahu khairan kathira.
thanks, sahabat for this soothing track..!
And starting on that moment, I do make du’as. Specific one. I even mention
everything that my heart feel the load of. For HIM to make smooth for me.
At the same time, I did have problem with my project and it turn,
seriously, not as expected. Dan saya tau kemampuan saya bila things turned not
as planned. Rasa takut nak jumpa supervisor untuk consult balik pasal project
tu. Rasa diri sendiri tu, tak guna sebab lately, all my works were all rubbish.
Rasa tidak layak untuk berada pada tahap sekarang yang sesetengah orang pandang
level ini, hebat. Rasa berat untuk terus dalam project. Rasa nak give up. Semuanya
negatif pada masa itu. But I hold to the advices. Minta dengan Allah,
bersungguh-sungguh without fail. Walaupun mulut terasa berat macamana pun, hati
terasa nak give up tahap gaban, emosi terganggu bak ombak musim tengkujuh
sekalipun, just keep on making du’a.
On the first day of this week, rasa down gila-gila sebab expectation saya
tentang project tu, menjunam, bawah lagi pada taraf sifar. Dalam bahasa
pengajian saya sekarang, begini ayatnya, “reaction tak jadi. Sebab TLC does not
show the product bla bla bla.” Kalau nak explain tu, memang panjang dan
ditambah lagi dengan masa makin suntuk untuk terus buat reactions seterusnya. Dan
rasa down tu, memang affect my emotion on that day.
To sooth things out, I did make a call to my mom. But, it turned that I
just ruined my emotion’s control when she did say this out with calm dan penuh
pengharapan. Yes, it hurt in a way bila orang cakap dengan kita, dengan penuh
harapan. Tambah-tambah lagi bila mak sendiri.
“Buat kerja elok-elok, biar cepat habis.” Tak sempat habis ayat tu, my
tears just went down without control. Yes. Emotion damaged. And she did
misunderstood of something when I did rang her. Dan salah faham tu, menambahkan
lagi level of emotion damages tu. Thanks to Allah, at that time, no one was with
me.
Worst thing worse, my supervisor was asking the progress of the project,
and I asked to meet her untuk senang explained and consulted the situation. Sort
of.
Meeting her in the office, I were pushed myself harder to get ready with
the emotion control. And I even told her that my emotion was not that good, so
she might ignore that side of me.
But, when she did asked me, what to do next since all the latest reactions
of mine like...sucks. It just a waste because none of that can be used to
further for application. And without signals, the tears just came down again,
and she did panicked. This is the first time of me being like that in front of
her. After a few moment, I managed to control myself, to discuss further about
the project. Saya kuatkan diri untuk tanya tentang limit projek saya. Berapa set
limit yang nak di sintesiskan? Memang nak kena set the limitation based on
other RU (Research University) without considering our own situation?
All those questions make me feel sick. Sick of being me. Sick of those non-stop
works. Tapi, kalu tak berendam air mata, bukan student postgraduate namanya. Memang
kita dimomokkan begitu. Tapi, sampai bila? Tu soalan pada diri sendiri. Dan memang
saya sambung nangis sampai keluar bilik supervisor without capai kata sepakat
tentang my next move. Tapi ada ayat yang memang dok repeat dengan sendiri di
telinga dan minda.
“Saya dah tak nak tengok benda yang sama lagi. Cari yang lain sampai dapat.”
Task ini hanya diberi tempoh yang singkat untuk saya siapkan dengan limitation
carian saya berdasarkan apa yang kami ada. Situasi itu, seriously, I can’t
figured out the exact words to imagine the sitaution was.
Dan betul seperti yang saya bayangkan, the damage of my emotion control was
as negatif below the iceberg. The whole morning after meeting her was my rainy
day. All my collegues were worrying about me, and I did felt very pathetic of
being me myself on that condition. Even, people on the lab were seeing me with
worry. I dont know. I can’t even started my work to search on the task. Seriously,
masa tu menangis macam tak ingat dunia. Cuba untuk control, tapi, it just flow.
I even try harder than usual to calm myself, yet it did not work. I tried to
sleep, but I just can’t. My mind keep thinking about the task and at the same
time reflecting my actions here and there that caused me to cry that hard for
that moment. Also worried about the period to finish the task was too short. After
a few moment of reflecting, my mind decided to stop all the emotional feeling
and do the counter-emotion controlled.
I end up to sit back at my workplace and scrolling down the search page
scientifically. Try hard for every keywords and structure that came to my mind.
And
Zohor.
I perform Zohor and make du’as with my whole heart. Amazingly, not a single
tears came down. But as I started to recite the Quran, the first ayat I’ve try to
pronounce, rasa sebak sampai tak keluar suara untuk sebut ayat tu. End up, baca
dalam hati, tapi seriusly, masa tu tahap kebergantungan kepada Allah untuk
selesaikan semua ni, memang 100% and more. Sampailah kepada ayat ke 74 surah Al-Baqarah:
“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal
diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu
keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut
kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”
Continue to next part.. sebab rasa terlalu panjang utk satu entry.
But believe me, have strong faith on HIM. It works..!
