Hope to be blessed by Him for past, present and future... Insyallah..
~~~
I touched my eyes, its blink
I reach my heart, its beat
I smell the scent, it is diverse
I draw my mind, it go wild.
What did I do
Where will I go
Who will be with me
Through this long journey
Befriend me the best
For me to not got to different paths
Tired on this road
Yet surrounds did not know me
Despite try to understand me
One never been in my shoes.
Tired on this road
As the one of high expectation
As high level like others thought
As the one that used to live
I've ruined the rainbow
I touched my eyes and its raining
I reached my heart and its bleed
I smell the scent and its ever nice
I draw my mind and its beyond control.
p/s: this pieces was due to the uncontrollably of the adrenaline rush from Velvet di Durham by Aishah Madidy... such a good novel that drew back my interest in literature... Its been long time since I am into poetry... I miss the moment to relate everything. I miss the moment to draw the imagination through words. I miss the moment to imagine the scenes. Line by line. Words by words. poured everything.
And through this good, I've found this.
"credo ergo posum"
~I believe, therefore I can~
and my expectation on my own piece instead of the 'running' thesis was like reaching the end of the ocean with a chain on the beach... hard to achieve for this moment. Just wait for the right time, to let out the right things to the right medium with the right, fresh idea..
I dont have the exact words to 'map' of my current situation... but all the titles of these following songs are much more like my current scenes. After all of these.. I've lost my vocab, my way to pronounce, my way of spelling and my way to pour. It just make me stressed more and more. Yet I dont know how to put it simple, make it a better way of communication, interaction.
I thought everything will be okay, when we decide to put a fullstop mark.
Apparently, you just give me a 'pause' button.
Because it turned that, when you say 'nothing at all', the world of me turn upside down.
The waves crushing the beach like hell, the storm just crashes everything without any empathy at all. Destroy all my hopes after the fullstop marks.
And also, I thought when I am giving you some time to think,
I mean, we both are thinking of a better way to find a better solution to be at a better place, to begin again.
To start anew, to make the big move,
to please every single corner that we will occupied with..
But it just the wrecking ball for destroying my view
And again, I think, from the heart, I need to be much more transparent about my intentions.
To let you see me through.
To read me as much as you want.
After all the scenes that we've made last few days,
And I think, I will fight for my level up to my limit.
I'll fight for my own, myself
And last, I'll take this, but dont expect me to stay behave like before on your decision much longer..
Semoga sentiasa dalam lindungan rahmat dan perlindunganNya selalu.. amin... Am continuing the last entry about my journey of study. Mungkin kalau dikiria, ini hanya sedikit sahaja ujian saya, berbanding dengan candidates lain. Tapi, I just want to share the power of du'a. Dont ever ever underestimate our du'a. Dont underestimate what we have done in our life. everything comes with the bright side. just wait for it to come...
“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal
diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu
keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut
kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”
Nampak tak disitu..? Dan Allah
sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan. Zapp, rasa reflection
masa bertenang tadi, memang terang, nyata terjawab, ada termaktub dalam surat
cintaNya. Memang tepat kena hidung. Bila masa tu, rasa down, yang rasa macam
semua kerja sia-sia tanpa ada benefit pun, tapi ditegur direct. Insaf. Malu dengan
diri sendiri. Kita yang sebagai hamba seolah-olah mempertikai aturanNya. Aturan
DIA untuk menguatkan kita dengan ujian, untuk terus percaya dengan kemampuan
yang DIA anugerahkan.
A short moment later, I just realized some messages from my supervisor to
meet with my second supervisor at specific time mentioned. It is less than 15
minutes approaching the mentioned time. Rushing to my second supervisor’s
office, she asked me what was all those things about, so sudden to add on some
application through out the period in order to completing my studies. After a
short ‘blabbering’, she managed to find a way for me. Focus on application and
I am done with my studies. And, she said, she’ll fight along with me to
complete this journey. And that’s make me feel really really sooth. Terasa lighten
up. Terlepas segala beban. Alhamdulillah...
Among all those ‘blabbering’ that pass through my ears, some of her points
make me realize something.
“Kenapa dari dulu lagi awak tak datang jumpa saya? Kan dari dulu lagi saya
kata saya akan tolong awak in every terms. Tapi awak tak nak. Allah bagi
peluang untuk saya tolong awak ni, untuk awak cepat-cepat habis study.”
To reflect with, pertolongan Allah tu, dah lama ada. Sejak dari dulu lagi. Tapi
kita sendiri tak sedar benda tu. Saya sendiri takut untuk terus melangkah
kearah pertolongan itu. Sedikit sebanyak, saya takut dengan persepsi. Tapi dengan
keadaan ‘takut dengan persepsi’ tu yang menyebabkan kita tidak nampak jalan
yang terbentang, terhalang, terhijab. Dan orang yang nak tolong kita pun,
takkan mampu untuk terus memberi pertolongan.
Saya sedar benda tu, bila semua ni terjadi. Yes, the power of du’a, yang
ada masanya kita ragui, ada masanya, kita meletakkan pengharapan padaNya,
melebihi tahap infniti. Dan juga, ‘Dan Allah
sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan (al-Baqarah:74).’
Let the Du’a talk.
Open up our ‘closet’ to let HIM reach us.
Let HIS help can reach us, the way it is.
Just believe in HIM. HE never failed to reach us.
And today, I got new ambition:
I want to be the butterfly to cheer up people life.
Wish me...
Thanks for spending your precious time to read it..
Semoga ada manfaat dari perkongsian ini yang boleh jadi bekal untuk saya di akhirat nanti.
Semoga kita
semua sentiasa berada dalam rahmat Allah Azzawajalla. Moga dipermudahkan juga segala
urusan kita selagimana ianya selari dengan kehendak syariatNya, juga diperlembutkan
hati mereka-mereka yang bakal berurusan dengan kita samada secara direct
ataupun indirect. Sesunguhnya kesan hadirnya insan-insan yan berurusan dengan
kita ini, sedikit sebanyak memberi impak dalam kehidupan. Samada kita sedar
atau tidak, ianya tetap terkesan... Semoga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita
tanpa tergelincir dari panduanNya. Amin, amin Ya Robbal ‘Alamin.
Just a
short note, before starting this entry. This writing will be more on ‘rojak
words’ of malay, english as well as the ‘bahasa pasar’ as in short term of some
words. Might be displeasure for certain things, but it is the platform for me
to share. *Because I don’t really know how to make a santai reading, yet to
make easier for me to pour everything. And this gonna be long.
Last week, a friend of mine just move in to the house. She just finished
her viva vocee with minor correction.
Alhamdulillah for that. Few days after, she stepped on my room and had a small
chit chat about our survival in finishing this level of study. Which make her
leave me with a stunned in my heart. Yap, on these past few weeks was something
to me and she did make me reflecting on those words. What was it..?
“Wani, aku minta doa je. Aku doa supaya Allah mudahkan urusan belajar aku. Aku
doa supaya Allah tunjukkan jalan untuk aku habis dengan cepat. Spesifik dengan
doa yang nak mintak tu. Mungkin mu dah biasa dengar orang cakap, everything,
kita kena minta dengan Allah, tapi ni, aku nak repeat balik. Doa la banyak. Aku
ni, keep repeating doa yang sama tak tahu berapa juta kali dah. Sampai satu tahap,
aku nangis.”
Tu, part of apa yang dia bagitau. Tapi inputnya, I did gather here and
there to make a solid picture of interpretation of my own. Betul seperti apa yang
dia katakan. I keep listened to the same advices for countless time. Tapi apa
yang saya nak highlightkan kat sini, kalau hati kita masa tu, tak terbuka pun
untuk dengar nasihat tu, ibarat mencurah air ke daun keladi. Tapi perumpamaan
tu, saya nak ubah dalam kamus hidup saya. Secara positifnya curah air ke daun
keladi memang takkan ada effect, tapi at the same time, air tu jugaklah yang
menyuburkan keladi tu untuk terus hidup.
Mungkin akan ada yang terfikir “Whatever...” but, if you do the reflection,
some trivial things can change the way of your thinking. Try to do the
reflection and see the results.
Kembali kepada keadaan tadi. After she did leave me, saya termenung. Sebeb sebelum
tu pun, saya ada consult seorang sahabat tentang masalah hati. Dan ianya selari
dengan nasihat sahabat yang satu tu. Dan bila dicantumkan kembali, semuanya
bermula dengan diri sendiri. Betulkan diri sendiri, do the reflection dan keep
on making du’a. Sebab apa? Sebab hati kita, Allah yang pegang. Minta sungguh-sungguh
dengan DIA untuk mudahkan perjalanan
kita menujuNya dan minta juga supaya DIA kekalkan hati kita dalam genggamanNya
dan jangan biarkan DIA bolak-balikkan hati kita ni.
That sahabat was tagging me this track on my Facebook. At some point, this song did touched me in some part in, order to sooth me.. Jazakallahu khairan kathira.
thanks, sahabat for this soothing track..!
And starting on that moment, I do make du’as. Specific one. I even mention
everything that my heart feel the load of. For HIM to make smooth for me.
At the same time, I did have problem with my project and it turn,
seriously, not as expected. Dan saya tau kemampuan saya bila things turned not
as planned. Rasa takut nak jumpa supervisor untuk consult balik pasal project
tu. Rasa diri sendiri tu, tak guna sebab lately, all my works were all rubbish.
Rasa tidak layak untuk berada pada tahap sekarang yang sesetengah orang pandang
level ini, hebat. Rasa berat untuk terus dalam project. Rasa nak give up. Semuanya
negatif pada masa itu. But I hold to the advices. Minta dengan Allah,
bersungguh-sungguh without fail. Walaupun mulut terasa berat macamana pun, hati
terasa nak give up tahap gaban, emosi terganggu bak ombak musim tengkujuh
sekalipun, just keep on making du’a.
On the first day of this week, rasa down gila-gila sebab expectation saya
tentang project tu, menjunam, bawah lagi pada taraf sifar. Dalam bahasa
pengajian saya sekarang, begini ayatnya, “reaction tak jadi. Sebab TLC does not
show the product bla bla bla.” Kalau nak explain tu, memang panjang dan
ditambah lagi dengan masa makin suntuk untuk terus buat reactions seterusnya. Dan
rasa down tu, memang affect my emotion on that day.
To sooth things out, I did make a call to my mom. But, it turned that I
just ruined my emotion’s control when she did say this out with calm dan penuh
pengharapan. Yes, it hurt in a way bila orang cakap dengan kita, dengan penuh
harapan. Tambah-tambah lagi bila mak sendiri.
“Buat kerja elok-elok, biar cepat habis.” Tak sempat habis ayat tu, my
tears just went down without control. Yes. Emotion damaged. And she did
misunderstood of something when I did rang her. Dan salah faham tu, menambahkan
lagi level of emotion damages tu. Thanks to Allah, at that time, no one was with
me.
Worst thing worse, my supervisor was asking the progress of the project,
and I asked to meet her untuk senang explained and consulted the situation. Sort
of.
Meeting her in the office, I were pushed myself harder to get ready with
the emotion control. And I even told her that my emotion was not that good, so
she might ignore that side of me.
But, when she did asked me, what to do next since all the latest reactions
of mine like...sucks. It just a waste because none of that can be used to
further for application. And without signals, the tears just came down again,
and she did panicked. This is the first time of me being like that in front of
her. After a few moment, I managed to control myself, to discuss further about
the project. Saya kuatkan diri untuk tanya tentang limit projek saya. Berapa set
limit yang nak di sintesiskan? Memang nak kena set the limitation based on
other RU (Research University) without considering our own situation?
All those questions make me feel sick. Sick of being me. Sick of those non-stop
works. Tapi, kalu tak berendam air mata, bukan student postgraduate namanya. Memang
kita dimomokkan begitu. Tapi, sampai bila? Tu soalan pada diri sendiri. Dan memang
saya sambung nangis sampai keluar bilik supervisor without capai kata sepakat
tentang my next move. Tapi ada ayat yang memang dok repeat dengan sendiri di
telinga dan minda.
“Saya dah tak nak tengok benda yang sama lagi. Cari yang lain sampai dapat.”
Task ini hanya diberi tempoh yang singkat untuk saya siapkan dengan limitation
carian saya berdasarkan apa yang kami ada. Situasi itu, seriously, I can’t
figured out the exact words to imagine the sitaution was.
Dan betul seperti yang saya bayangkan, the damage of my emotion control was
as negatif below the iceberg. The whole morning after meeting her was my rainy
day. All my collegues were worrying about me, and I did felt very pathetic of
being me myself on that condition. Even, people on the lab were seeing me with
worry. I dont know. I can’t even started my work to search on the task. Seriously,
masa tu menangis macam tak ingat dunia. Cuba untuk control, tapi, it just flow.
I even try harder than usual to calm myself, yet it did not work. I tried to
sleep, but I just can’t. My mind keep thinking about the task and at the same
time reflecting my actions here and there that caused me to cry that hard for
that moment. Also worried about the period to finish the task was too short. After
a few moment of reflecting, my mind decided to stop all the emotional feeling
and do the counter-emotion controlled.
I end up to sit back at my workplace and scrolling down the search page
scientifically. Try hard for every keywords and structure that came to my mind.
And
Zohor.
I perform Zohor and make du’as with my whole heart. Amazingly, not a single
tears came down. But as I started to recite the Quran, the first ayat I’ve try to
pronounce, rasa sebak sampai tak keluar suara untuk sebut ayat tu. End up, baca
dalam hati, tapi seriusly, masa tu tahap kebergantungan kepada Allah untuk
selesaikan semua ni, memang 100% and more. Sampailah kepada ayat ke 74 surah Al-Baqarah:
“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal
diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu
keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut
kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”
Continue to next part.. sebab rasa terlalu panjang utk satu entry.
But believe me, have strong faith on HIM. It works..!
