25th on 26th

Assalamualaikum dan hi… Semoga sentiasa dalam lindungan rahmat Yang Esa hendaknya.. Juga semoga Allah ease everything come hell or high water thru this journey of life... Dan sesungguhnya segala pengharapan, kebergantungan dan juga rasa yang kita ada, sedang hadapi ini dan juga kelangsungan masa depan hanya untuk Allah Azzwajalla semata... And I really hope for that.. Sebab kita hanya insan yang lemah, yang sering lupa dan lalai dengan urusan kehidupan yang hanya ujian semata...

This just a random post, maybe, just to wish me for my anniversary..

Alhamdulilllah for these breaths, for this life, for this love, for this sweetness, for this struggle and all together that make me as a ME through these day, back and onwards. Dengan harapan yang saya yang baru ini, punya semangat yang makin kental untuk terus perbaiki diri dan tetap istiqomah dalam setiap perubahan.

[thanks to QuranicQuotes.com]

I’ve been reading some random short stories on my favorite author’s blog last night. And it did ring me a bell on my current condition, situation and relation. Aduhai.. Saat baca short story tu, berderu-deru air mata turun. Yeah, at some points, being an author can touched someone hearts. Just through your writing, you can gain some deeds for your akhirah. And I always hope that my writings also can give some 'lights' to other... Reality. I’ve been triggered ‘that light’ by some other authors. Always. And I always hope so, for my writing. Sekalipun tak ada yang mampu trigger ‘that light’ through their inner self, at least, bila saya baca balik apa yang saya conteng, mampu buatkan saya terfikir balik.. Apa, kenapa dan semua persoalan yang kembali timbul.

Berbalik kepada post by Elvroseth. True, that story, at least trigger some of my conscious of being at this level. And how she can relate the story with seerah… How to make it as interesting, like a novel for a person like me, to understand something with a soul. Lively. Meaningfully. And the storyline was, amazingly, want to make me to re-read the surah and their meaning. For a better understanding, for a better picture. Yes, there will be a switch to turn on everything. And she did make me wonder through her storyline:

• What have my study did contribute to ummah.
• What have I done that can relate to islam.
• What can I explain when others ask about my religion. Is it just enough with the knowledge that is so little in me.

Ya Allah… Rasa itu, macam menampar kuat deria sedar dan menerajang halus lubuk hati dengan comfort zone yang sememangnya melalaikan kita. Allah..!

Dan paling terkesan dengan ayat ni:

“Ego manusia itu, tinggi, Yusuf”

 Retold (lll) - Yuosuf

Allah, sungguh… kenyataan ini perit untuk di telan sorang-sorang tanpa ada yang sedarkan. Disebabkan kita berada dalam zon selesa, susah untuk kita sedar sebenarnya ego kita dah tinggi melangit. Yang sampai tahap, orang sekeliling tak suka atau mungkin sampai tahap benci untuk tatap wajah kita, dengar suara kita bahkan bila dengar nama kita. Allah, perasaan itu, sakit sangat.
Dan selepas baca that short stories, yang seriously rasa tertampar, dan berganda-ganda rasa sakit tamparan tu dengan other statement direct to my ears. Oh Allah...! 
I never known that kalau terlebih memberi perhatian kepada sesuatu, rupanya, ia adalah membebankan. Allah..! rasa perit berganda bila niat kita disalah tafsirkan. Allah, sakit sungguh.

Akhir kata, I’ve been repeating this  part of Photograph, Ed Shereen to soothe me for the direct lines.
And if you hurt me That's ok baby, only words bleedInside these pages you just hold meAnd I won't ever let you go..Wait for me to come home~~~
And I always love you no matter what..!
And lastly, my bad, my really bad things is timing. I don’t know how to manage my own timing in explaining things. My act to wait for explaining things always turn me to a really bad situation. Never thought it will turn so bad.. So, for a future me, I really hope for a better timing in resolving my own circumstances.

Ma’assalamah…!

me~

Assalamualaikum and Hi...

Hope to be blessed by Him for past, present and future... Insyallah..

~~~

I touched my eyes, its blink

I reach my heart, its beat

I smell the scent, it is diverse

I draw my mind, it go wild.

What did I do

Where will I go

Who will be with me

Through this long journey

Befriend me the best

For me to not got to different paths

Tired on this road

Yet surrounds did not know me

Despite try to understand me

One never been in my shoes.

Tired on this road

As the one of high expectation

As high level like others thought

As the one that used to live

I've ruined the rainbow

I touched my eyes and its raining

I reached my heart and its bleed

I smell the scent and its ever nice

I draw my mind and its beyond control.

p/s: this pieces was due to the uncontrollably of the adrenaline rush from Velvet di Durham by Aishah Madidy... such a good novel that drew back my interest in literature... Its been long time since I am into poetry... I miss the moment to relate everything. I miss the moment to draw the imagination through words. I miss the moment to  imagine the scenes. Line by line. Words by words. poured everything.

And through this good, I've found this.

"credo ergo posum"

~I believe, therefore I can~

and my expectation on my own piece instead of the 'running' thesis was like reaching the end of the ocean with a chain on the beach... hard to achieve for this moment. Just wait for the right time, to let out the right things to the right medium with the right, fresh idea..

-take care on this season onward-

~current

Assalamualaikum and hi...

I dont have the exact words to 'map' of my current situation... but all the titles of these following songs are much more like my current scenes. After all of these.. I've lost my vocab, my way to pronounce, my way of spelling and my way to pour. It just make me stressed more and more. Yet I dont know how to put it simple, make it a better way of communication, interaction.


I thought everything will be okay, when we decide to put a fullstop mark.
Apparently, you just give me a 'pause' button.

Because it turned that, when you say 'nothing at all', the world of me turn upside down.
The waves crushing the beach like hell, the storm just crashes everything without any empathy at all. Destroy all my hopes after the fullstop marks.

And also, I thought when I am giving you some time to think,
I mean, we both are thinking of a better way to find a better solution to be at a better place,  to begin again.
To start anew, to make the big move,
to please every single corner that we will occupied with..
But it just the wrecking ball for destroying my view

And again, I think, from the heart, I need to be much more transparent about my intentions.
To let you see me through.
To read me as much as you want.

After all the scenes that we've made last few days,
And I think, I will fight for my level up to my  limit.
I'll fight for my own, myself

And last, I'll take this, but dont expect me to stay behave like before on your decision much longer..

The Power of Du’a: Trial and Tribulation part 2

 Assalamualaikum and hi...

Semoga sentiasa dalam lindungan rahmat dan perlindunganNya selalu.. amin...

Am continuing the last entry about my journey of study. Mungkin kalau dikiria, ini hanya sedikit sahaja ujian saya, berbanding dengan candidates lain. Tapi, I just want to share the power of du'a. Dont ever ever underestimate our du'a. Dont underestimate what we have done in our life. everything comes with the bright side. just wait for it to come...

“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya  dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”

Nampak tak disitu..? Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan. Zapp, rasa reflection masa bertenang tadi, memang terang, nyata terjawab, ada termaktub dalam surat cintaNya. Memang tepat kena hidung. Bila masa tu, rasa down, yang rasa macam semua kerja sia-sia tanpa ada benefit pun, tapi ditegur direct. Insaf. Malu dengan diri sendiri. Kita yang sebagai hamba seolah-olah mempertikai aturanNya. Aturan DIA untuk menguatkan kita dengan ujian, untuk terus percaya dengan kemampuan yang DIA anugerahkan.

A short moment later, I just realized some messages from my supervisor to meet with my second supervisor at specific time mentioned. It is less than 15 minutes approaching the mentioned time. Rushing to my second supervisor’s office, she asked me what was all those things about, so sudden to add on some application through out the period in order to completing my studies. After a short ‘blabbering’, she managed to find a way for me. Focus on application and I am done with my studies. And, she said, she’ll fight along with me to complete this journey. And that’s make me feel really really sooth. Terasa lighten up. Terlepas segala beban. Alhamdulillah...

Among all those ‘blabbering’ that pass through my ears, some of her points make me realize something.

“Kenapa dari dulu lagi awak tak datang jumpa saya? Kan dari dulu lagi saya kata saya akan tolong awak in every terms. Tapi awak tak nak. Allah bagi peluang untuk saya tolong awak ni, untuk awak cepat-cepat habis study.”

To reflect with, pertolongan Allah tu, dah lama ada. Sejak dari dulu lagi. Tapi kita sendiri tak sedar benda tu. Saya sendiri takut untuk terus melangkah kearah pertolongan itu. Sedikit sebanyak, saya takut dengan persepsi. Tapi dengan keadaan ‘takut dengan persepsi’ tu yang menyebabkan kita tidak nampak jalan yang terbentang, terhalang, terhijab. Dan orang yang nak tolong kita pun, takkan mampu untuk terus memberi pertolongan.

Saya sedar benda tu, bila semua ni terjadi. Yes, the power of du’a, yang ada masanya kita ragui, ada masanya, kita meletakkan pengharapan padaNya, melebihi tahap infniti. Dan juga, ‘Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan (al-Baqarah:74).’

Let the Du’a talk.

Open up our ‘closet’ to let HIM reach us.

Let HIS help can reach us, the way it is.

Just believe in HIM. HE never failed to reach us.

And today, I got new ambition:

I want to be the butterfly to cheer up people life.

Wish me...

Thanks for spending your precious time to read it.. 

Semoga ada manfaat dari perkongsian ini yang boleh jadi bekal untuk saya di akhirat nanti. 

The Power of Du’a: Trial and Tribulation part 1

Assalamualaikum and hi..

Semoga kita semua sentiasa berada dalam rahmat Allah Azzawajalla. Moga dipermudahkan juga segala urusan kita selagimana ianya selari dengan kehendak syariatNya, juga diperlembutkan hati mereka-mereka yang bakal berurusan dengan kita samada secara direct ataupun indirect. Sesunguhnya kesan hadirnya insan-insan yan berurusan dengan kita ini, sedikit sebanyak memberi impak dalam kehidupan. Samada kita sedar atau tidak, ianya tetap terkesan... Semoga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita tanpa tergelincir dari panduanNya. Amin, amin Ya Robbal ‘Alamin.

Just a short note, before starting this entry. This writing will be more on ‘rojak words’ of malay, english as well as the ‘bahasa pasar’ as in short term of some words. Might be displeasure for certain things, but it is the platform for me to share. *Because I don’t really know how to make a santai reading, yet to make easier for me to pour everything. And this gonna be long.

Last week, a friend of mine just move in to the house. She just finished her viva vocee with minor correction. Alhamdulillah for that. Few days after, she stepped on my room and had a small chit chat about our survival in finishing this level of study. Which make her leave me with a stunned in my heart. Yap, on these past few weeks was something to me and she did make me reflecting on those words. What was it..?

“Wani, aku minta doa je. Aku doa supaya Allah mudahkan urusan belajar aku. Aku doa supaya Allah tunjukkan jalan untuk aku habis dengan cepat. Spesifik dengan doa yang nak mintak tu. Mungkin mu dah biasa dengar orang cakap, everything, kita kena minta dengan Allah, tapi ni, aku nak repeat balik. Doa la banyak. Aku ni, keep repeating doa yang sama tak tahu berapa juta kali dah. Sampai satu tahap, aku nangis.”

Tu, part of apa yang dia bagitau. Tapi inputnya, I did gather here and there to make a solid picture of interpretation of my own. Betul seperti apa yang dia katakan. I keep listened to the same advices for countless time. Tapi apa yang saya nak highlightkan kat sini, kalau hati kita masa tu, tak terbuka pun untuk dengar nasihat tu, ibarat mencurah air ke daun keladi. Tapi perumpamaan tu, saya nak ubah dalam kamus hidup saya. Secara positifnya curah air ke daun keladi memang takkan ada effect, tapi at the same time, air tu jugaklah yang menyuburkan keladi tu untuk terus hidup.  

Mungkin akan ada yang terfikir “Whatever...” but, if you do the reflection, some trivial things can change the way of your thinking. Try to do the reflection and see the results.

Kembali kepada keadaan tadi. After she did leave me, saya termenung. Sebeb sebelum tu pun, saya ada consult seorang sahabat tentang masalah hati. Dan ianya selari dengan nasihat sahabat yang satu tu. Dan bila dicantumkan kembali, semuanya bermula dengan diri sendiri. Betulkan diri sendiri, do the reflection dan keep on making du’a. Sebab apa? Sebab hati kita, Allah yang pegang. Minta sungguh-sungguh dengan  DIA untuk mudahkan perjalanan kita menujuNya dan minta juga supaya DIA kekalkan hati kita dalam genggamanNya dan jangan biarkan DIA bolak-balikkan hati kita ni.

That sahabat was tagging me this track on my Facebook. At some point, this song did touched me in some part in, order to sooth me.. Jazakallahu khairan kathira.

thanks, sahabat for this soothing track..!

And starting on that moment, I do make du’as. Specific one. I even mention everything that my heart feel the load of. For HIM to make smooth for me.

At the same time, I did have problem with my project and it turn, seriously, not as expected. Dan saya tau kemampuan saya bila things turned not as planned. Rasa takut nak jumpa supervisor untuk consult balik pasal project tu. Rasa diri sendiri tu, tak guna sebab lately, all my works were all rubbish. Rasa tidak layak untuk berada pada tahap sekarang yang sesetengah orang pandang level ini, hebat. Rasa berat untuk terus dalam project. Rasa nak give up. Semuanya negatif pada masa itu. But I hold to the advices. Minta dengan Allah, bersungguh-sungguh without fail. Walaupun mulut terasa berat macamana pun, hati terasa nak give up tahap gaban, emosi terganggu bak ombak musim tengkujuh sekalipun, just keep on making du’a.

On the first day of this week, rasa down gila-gila sebab expectation saya tentang project tu, menjunam, bawah lagi pada taraf sifar. Dalam bahasa pengajian saya sekarang, begini ayatnya, “reaction tak jadi. Sebab TLC does not show the product bla bla bla.” Kalau nak explain tu, memang panjang dan ditambah lagi dengan masa makin suntuk untuk terus buat reactions seterusnya. Dan rasa down tu, memang affect my emotion on that day.

To sooth things out, I did make a call to my mom. But, it turned that I just ruined my emotion’s control when she did say this out with calm dan penuh pengharapan. Yes, it hurt in a way bila orang cakap dengan kita, dengan penuh harapan. Tambah-tambah lagi bila mak sendiri.

“Buat kerja elok-elok, biar cepat habis.” Tak sempat habis ayat tu, my tears just went down without control. Yes. Emotion damaged. And she did misunderstood of something when I did rang her. Dan salah faham tu, menambahkan lagi level of emotion damages tu. Thanks to Allah, at that time, no one was with me.

Worst thing worse, my supervisor was asking the progress of the project, and I asked to meet her untuk senang explained and consulted the situation. Sort of.

Meeting her in the office, I were pushed myself harder to get ready with the emotion control. And I even told her that my emotion was not that good, so she might ignore that side of me.

But, when she did asked me, what to do next since all the latest reactions of mine like...sucks. It just a waste because none of that can be used to further for application. And without signals, the tears just came down again, and she did panicked. This is the first time of me being like that in front of her. After a few moment, I managed to control myself, to discuss further about the project. Saya kuatkan diri untuk tanya tentang limit projek saya. Berapa set limit yang nak di sintesiskan? Memang nak kena set the limitation based on other RU (Research University) without considering our own situation?

All those questions make me feel sick. Sick of being me. Sick of those non-stop works. Tapi, kalu tak berendam air mata, bukan student postgraduate namanya. Memang kita dimomokkan begitu. Tapi, sampai bila? Tu soalan pada diri sendiri. Dan memang saya sambung nangis sampai keluar bilik supervisor without capai kata sepakat tentang my next move. Tapi ada ayat yang memang dok repeat dengan sendiri di telinga dan minda.

“Saya dah tak nak tengok benda yang sama lagi. Cari yang lain sampai dapat.” Task ini hanya diberi tempoh yang singkat untuk saya siapkan dengan limitation carian saya berdasarkan apa yang kami ada. Situasi itu, seriously, I can’t figured out the exact words to imagine the sitaution was.

Dan betul seperti yang saya bayangkan, the damage of my emotion control was as negatif below the iceberg. The whole morning after meeting her was my rainy day. All my collegues were worrying about me, and I did felt very pathetic of being me myself on that condition. Even, people on the lab were seeing me with worry. I dont know. I can’t even started my work to search on the task. Seriously, masa tu menangis macam tak ingat dunia. Cuba untuk control, tapi, it just flow. I even try harder than usual to calm myself, yet it did not work. I tried to sleep, but I just can’t. My mind keep thinking about the task and at the same time reflecting my actions here and there that caused me to cry that hard for that moment. Also worried about the period to finish the task was too short. After a few moment of reflecting, my mind decided to stop all the emotional feeling and do the counter-emotion controlled.

I end up to sit back at my workplace and scrolling down the search page scientifically. Try hard for every keywords and structure that came to my mind. And

Zohor.

I perform Zohor and make du’as with my whole heart. Amazingly, not a single tears came down. But as I started to recite the Quran, the first ayat I’ve try to pronounce, rasa sebak sampai tak keluar suara untuk sebut ayat tu. End up, baca dalam hati, tapi seriusly, masa tu tahap kebergantungan kepada Allah untuk selesaikan semua ni, memang 100% and more. Sampailah  kepada ayat ke 74 surah Al-Baqarah:

“Kemudian hatimu menjadi keras seperti batu, bahkan lebih keras lagi. Padahal diantara batu-batu itu, ada yang mengalir sungai-sungai darinya  dan diantaranya, ada yang terbelah, lalu keluarlah mata air darinya dan diantaranya ada yang meluncur jatuh kerana takut kepada Allah. Dan Allah sekali-kali tidak lalai dari apa yang kamu kerjakan.”

Continue to next part.. sebab rasa terlalu panjang utk satu entry.

But believe me, have strong faith on HIM. It works..!

Undefined feeling

O Allah..  I need that crying shoulder.. I need You but not that good approaching You..

O Allah... I really really need You.
Guide me to You, rightly, deeply..
Dont let me go away from You..

This tired feeling is something. But please let it be in the right path..

The uncontrollable feeling of human, but You handle it accordingly to the right time, right place, right person..

You know the best.

Harapan

Assalamualaikum and hii... Moga sentiasa dalam rahmat Allah Azzawajalla... 

Today's entry is in term of sharing experience yang jarang-jarang berlaku (walaupun ada je yang tegur. Tapi kali ni, did touch some point in my heart). Here's yesterday experienced that make me think over and over again about the life of ourself and ourselves. 

I was really happy to meet the specialist yesterday, since she did said I'm doing good in observing my own treatment. And at some point, she did praised me for certain things (yeah, sapa yang tak happy kena puji kan..?) make me feel too much bunga-bunga gugur di musim luruh.. (Yes, I am that happy).

Siap semua urusan di klinik, perjalanan turun dari unit Orthodontic tu, ada seorang kanak-kanak sedang bermain-main di tangga. And his mom just saying this, "Main lagi kat tangga, nanti ibu tinggal." It was just her voice in the air, and that child continue played through the stair (almost nak sampai tingkat dua da). Not saying that I am good enough, tapi bila tengok budak sekecil tu, main kat tangga tanpa pemantauan orang tua, tapi sedikit sebanyak saya runsing. 

Zaman sekarang, zaman viral. Benda baik, benda buruk, semua kena viral without knowing the real situation. Dan lately, terlalu banyak video yang menunjukkan akibatnya terlalu leka dengan sekeliling. Mungkin sesetengah melabel keadaan itu sebagai cuai, tapi parents mana yang tak sayang anak..? Banyak sangat video dekat media sosial yang di kongsi sampai satu tahap, saya dah takut untuk tengok video berkaitan family dan kanak-kanak.

Berbalik kepada budak tadi. Yes, he is all alone without his mom. Naik tangga, dan sedang main lompat-lompat. Risau, runsing, ngeri. Semua perasaan tu ada masa tu. (Seriously, kalo jadi pape kat budak tu, aku yang akan jadi saksi..)  So, disebabkan rasa tanggungjawab tu jugak, I dare myself untuk tegur anak orang tu, untuk turun sama-sama. Just let his mom think whatever she want, but I just cant imagine the worst thing happen. Seriously takut..! He did follow me, instead. 

Untuk kanak-kanak, saya sayang mereka. Saya tak mampu untuk bayangkan situasi mereka pada keadaan yang paling worse. Dan benda yang selalu saya fikir bila melibatkan kanak-kanak seumur itu adalah anak-anak saudara saya. 

Tidak salah untuk saya katakan, bahawa children love to trying anything, exploring everythings. Cause these are their way to learn through lesson. Dan bukan semua lessons tu, kita kena biarkan mereka tanpa pantauan kan...? (Am feeling like a mommy already...) Kids, does not know what were true or not. 

Sekalipun si ibu mengugut untuk tinggalkan sikecil tu, tapi please, tengok dia.. Hold him eventhough you have another child to take care of. Dan kalau betul caranya, mungkin si kakak boleh untuk tolong si ibu untuk memujuk si kecil untuk follow mereka balik.

Apa yang saya rasa tika itu adalah sedih. I just give a warm smile and small hand gesture and saying "jom turun, gi kat ibu," to let the kid follow me down stairs. And what I was thinking that moment was 'kids does not know what people attention'.

Dan bila di anak tangga terakhir, bila nampak si ibu, si kecil tadi bagi senyuman ringkas kat saya dan terus lompat. Masa tu, rasa dia, Ya Allah, jangan la jadi pape kat budak ni. Sebab..? Tangga dia sempit dan my shoes was not in good condition plus, ramai orang. Kalau budak tu jatuh, Masyallah, sakit untuk sikecil seusia itu, mungkin agak terasa. 

  I know the feeling of 'hilang anak' walaupun takde anak lagi. I know the worried of 'anak sakit' eventhough never experienced it. But I just know it in my own ways.

Dan kalau orang yang niat tak betul berada di tempat aku, seriously, tak tau apa yang akan jadi. 

Dan tau pula si ibu untuk risau masa dengar anak dia ketawa dengan orang lain.

Yes, I am prejudice in public.

I am putting more attentions to kids on this moment.

I am making myself more aware when it is involving kids.

Dan sebetulnya, kalau keluar dengan anak-anak saudara yang masih kenit, at least ada tiga orang penjaga akan saya bawa. 

And to end this part, ibu dia give a look to me. Mom, I dont know you. But I love children. I know my respinsible. I try my best to society too..  And to your son too..

Masih teringat lambaian adik tu, walaupun ibu dia  suruh lambai ke dalam klinik, but he did wave at me.. And he did followed me, instead of listening to his mom.

Adik, I've told you this,

"Follow your ibu." And he didn't, sampai his mom give another look to me and I just can reply with a short smile. 

To add on, adik,

"Dont follow stranger. Tolong dengar kata ibu ye. Ibu adik sayang kat adik, tapi..."

P/s: I'll share another part, dengan seorang pak cik ni. Tapi terbabas tulis pasal adik ni.  

p/s/s: Yes, most of the time, public is the scariest place for me.